OK, I’m going to throw this out to the universe. It’s an idea that came to me whilst taking a nap, just before Christmas, and as enthusiastic as I am about it, nearly every bit of feedback I’ve got is there’s no value in pursuing it. If you’re a producer and this idea is interesting to you, I’m happy to be hired to write it – even direct it – so feel free to reach out. If you like the idea but don’t want me further involved, I’d appreciate a ‘story by’ credit and to know it’s happening.
Title: Cannibal Lesbian Snuff Film
Subtitle: Featuring a lot of Gratuitous T&A
Logline: Follow the making-of an indie horror by an Ed Wood-like director desperate to escape his legacy.
Harold’s an award winning director of horror movies – the more graphic the violence and greater exposed female skin, the happier his fans.
There’s just one problem: Harold hates horror and is mortified he makes his living as a misogynist objectifying women.
He comes up with a desperate idea: make a film so morally objectionable that no one will want to watch it.
A film within a film (within a film) documenting Harold’s efforts to extract himself from his plight.
After approaching some friends and getting largely negative feedback, I asked on Reddit for some additional thoughts. First on r/Screenwriting and at the urging of someone there, r/Horror. Sadly, the general consensus there was the likely market was too small to have any realistic chance at distribution. One poster, though, did suggestion the idea of a mockumentary, which I think is an excellent fit, but thought the title was too provocative.
So, with no further ado (wtf does that even mean?), here’s the 1,500 word synopsis I wrote:
Fade in to a night-time chase in progress, fully colorized and with suitable music. Nude Woman is racing through the woods away from two other women wearing skimpy bikinis. Brunette Bikini is carrying a spot light and a camera, while Blonde Bikini has a crossbow.
The scene shifts to that of the camera being held by Brunette Bikini. A bit shaky and a little grainy, it shows Nude Woman from the back, waist up, running away.
Back to the HD version, the spotlight crosses Nude Woman, leaning against a tree to catch her breath. She looks back in terror. Blonde Bikini raises her crossbow. There’s a twang and a bolt strikes the tree right next to her head. Nude Woman takes off running again.
She steps on something painful, looks directly into the camera crying out in pain, then falls down. The music and ambiance sounds fade. She painfully gets back on her feet and there’s a second twang. The visuals switch to non-colorized and, from the back, Nude Woman leaps forward, an arrow in her back. Her butt is just out of sight below the bottom of the camera.
The view shifts to a behind-the-scenes look of a movie set. Nude Woman is wearing a backless one-piece flesh-colored bodysuit and is lying on pads, the camera right behind where she jumped forward. The other two actresses are in chairs, wearing robes, one reading a script, the other on her phone. Director walks toward Nude Woman.
“Can you get a little higher? I’d like to get your butt in frame.”
Nude Woman stands up and, nodding, “Won’t you see my bathing suit?”
Director shrugs, “I’ll paint it out in post. It’s only a few frames.”
Still with the BTS view, Nude Woman sets up, then leaps forward onto the mat.
“Perfect. That’s a wrap for Nude Woman.” Everyone starts clapping. Nude Woman accepts the accolades.
Dissolve to an earlier scene. Still BTS, the in-frame camera is setup to capture Nude Woman running away. Nude Woman starts to run, steps on something painful, turns to look in shock back at the camera, then cries out in pain as she stumbles forward.
Director and several other people rush toward Nude Woman, various shouts of “Are you OK?”
Nude Woman rolls onto her back, clearly revealing she’s wearing a flesh-colored bodysuit. She’s grimacing and brushes off the sole of her foot. There’s a red mark, but it’s not bleeding. A nurse examines her foot, gently probing. Nude Woman winces a little, but gains confidence.
As everyone calms down, Director says, “Are you OK if I use that shot? Your expression was perfect.”
Nude Woman nods, “Get the gold wherever it happens.”
Dissolve to an office. The camera pans across a series of posters on the wall, cheap fake-wood paneling, all showing various ‘B’ horror movies, many featuring Nude Woman. While this is happening the dialog below prelaps.
Nude Woman, “I’m really sorry. I got the must-join letter yesterday, but wanted to tell you in person.”
Director heaves a huge sigh. “It had to happen; you’re too good for me.”
Nude Woman: “But without you, I wouldn’t be in this position.”
Director: “When is your last day?”
Nude Woman: “The fifteenth.”
The camera finishes its pan and is on Director and Nude Woman. He’s behind a desk that looks like it was salvaged from a junkyard. His chair is similar and the chairs on the other side of the desk, where Nude Woman is sitting, are mismatched.
Director: “I can change your role to a victim and get you shot out by then, if you like.”
Nude Woman: “I’d love that.”
She gets up and goes around to the director, who’s looking forlornly at his desk.
Nude Woman: “I won’t forget where I came from. If you ever get big enough for SAG, send me whatever you got.”
Director looks up with a little hope, then stands. Nude Woman gives him a hug. He returns it in non-creepy way.
Nighttime, colorized and with creepy music and background sounds, Blonde Bikini smiles in satisfaction as she kneels down to topless big breasted Victim, who’s handcuffed on the ground with her arms stretched out above her. Blonde Bikini brandishes a big serrated knife and uses it to slowly slice one of Victim’s breasts off. Victim screams in agony.
Brunette Bikini finishes setting up her camera. It’s (grainy) recording Victim from just above her crotch to her wrists above her head.
(In HD) Brunette Bikini frowns, then walks toward Victim, brandishing a big-assed knife. Kneeling, she slams it down into the throat of Victim silencing her. The music and background fades. Victim stares up with a fixed expression of horror.
Upset, Blonde Bikini looks up at Brunette, “Why’d you do that?”
Brunette: “All that screaming gives me a headache. Probably gives our viewers one to.”
The color goes away and the scene brightens.
Blonde: “It’s my favorite part. I was planning to gut her before she died. Besides, they can always watch it on mute.”
Brunette shrugs. “Give me a bite?”
Blonde takes a bite from the breast and hands it to Brunette.
Director: “Cut! Perfect. Let’s get one more for insurance. Besides, I already paid for the second prosthetic.”
Switch to BTS view, Victim lifts her hands from where they were ‘secured’ and releases the handcuffs using the built-in mechanism. She sits up and is helped to her feet by Brunette.
A BTS look where Victim is laying on her back. The arm next to the camera, which is pulled back some distance away, is up over her head while the other one is down by her side. Next to her head is a sheet of clear Plexiglas and just to the other side is a block of Styrofoam. Her neck has a small amount of blood on it.
Director calls ‘Action.’ and Brunette Bikini kneels down and slams the knife into the block of Styrofoam as the camera drops to Victim’s neck.
Continuing BTS camera look, Interviewer approaches Nude Woman. “You were Director’s lead for years, now you’re relegated to practically a cameo. What’s the story?”
Nude Woman: “I assume you know Director doesn’t work with SAG, well I got a must-join letter. All thanks to him, really. Director making me lead is what got me the recognition to get onto mainstream productions.”
Staying with BTS, Interviewer approaches Blonde and Brunette Bikinis about their scanty clothes and nude look. “I admire you ladies for your… exposure while filming. Doesn’t it make you uncomfortable to wear so little?”
Blonde Bikini, gesturing to the two of them: “We’re models, so are used to wearing next to nothing and parading around in front of lots of people with cameras.”
Brunette Bikini, nodding: “Yeah. Realistically, we’re wearing more and there’s fewer people watching and recording than usual.”
Colorized with music Blonde and Brunette Bikini are standing around a table with parts of a corpse on it. They’re enjoying snacking on the bits when the door is busted down. Cops stream into the room shouting various forms of ‘freeze’ and ‘hands up.’
Blonde Bikini, closest to the door, turns to stare at them in blazing anger, but is otherwise immobile. Brunette Bikini stares with a thoughtful expression, with her hands below the edge of the table.
A senior cop enters the room, “It took a while. This is the first case I’ve worked where the amount of evidence was so much it slowed down analysis. But it’s all over now.”
Blonde Bikini pivots and runs screaming toward the cops, which all open fire at the same time and she drops dead. The guns all shift to Brunette bikini and she continues to stare at them with a thoughtful expression.
She glances at the camera set up to record their cannibalism, shifts around, then slowly brings up her hands, one containing a big butcher knife.
Switching to camera view, she stares directly into the camera. To a cacophony of ‘drop the knife’s she takes the blade and slices her throat. With an orgasmic expression, she slides out of sight below the table.
Credits role as the view pulls back to reveal it’s on a movie screen. The view shifts to a podium and a presenter stands up to a spot light.
Presenter: “It should come at no surprise to our viewers that the jury unanimously selected ‘Cannibal Lesbian Snuff Film – Featuring a lot of Gratuitous T&A’ as their favorite. I must say, the choice of title and subtitle are a fantastic decision, showing his deep understanding of genre aficionados.”
Out of the spotlight, Director sits with a deprecating look of frustration on his face. He heaves a big sigh.
“Once again, Director is to be awarded best writer, director and editor for this masterpiece. And I’m happy to report, he’s already inked a profitable distribution deal which will put this on all the major streaming services. Put your hands together for the Jury’s first prize.”
The spotlight focuses on the director, who pastes a happy expression on his face as he walks to the podium.
Fade to black.